Girl Glues Own Elbow

Eva Gross, 23, of Cow Pastures, Virginia glued her own elbow at a 25-degree angle this Sunday evening, June 21, 2009. Born of a crafty family, Gross, along with her sisters and mom were creating hideaway books from old hard covers. This process involved the use of the heaviest, stickiest, most disgustingly nuclear glue to be found in the known universe. Mixed from dog slobber, gum found under the desks of middle schoolers, and the entrails of a pint of moldy slugs, this “YES Paste” was a bit much for Gross to deal with. With a brush-full of Yes Paste, Gross was momentarily distracted by the Gross dog pawing at their window, apparently trying to eat the glass and side of the house. It was a short moment that was long enough to affect the course of her life for the next six months. She turned quickly and inadvertently slathered the glue on her own elbow. Researchers later determined it was enough paste to glue angry, feral cats together. She ran to wash it off, but her arm was stuck in the running position before she even left her chair.

          Emergency Room doctors were stumped and unable to do any good against the sludge holding Gross’ elbow in an awkward chicken wing position. They diagnosed that the glue would “run its own course within four to six months. In the meantime,” they suggested, “ learn to be left armed.” However, Gross has taken a positive outlook on the situation. “No, it’s not a situation. I told you, it’s modern art!” Gross said, “I did it on purpose. It represents the harsh realities of our suburban lives and how the polar ice caps are going to swallow us up within the next thirty minutes!”