Fat Cat Cloned to Assuage Owners Future Loss

The Gross family, pet owners and cat enthusiasts, were the unlikely source of a near miraculous scientific breakthrough recently involving their obese cat Saraneata. Saraneata, weighing in at around 21 pounds, has a personality equally as large. Happy, friendly, and quirky, Saraneata is the Grosses “favorite animal of all times and ages,” said Julia Gross.

The Grosses decided to clone Saraneata during a casual, dinnertime conversation in which they expressed the depression and loss they will feel when their beloved cat finally kicks the bucket. In fact, they were so distraught at the notion that they vowed to fight tooth and nail to see that Saraneata’s bucket never was kicked.

The Fountain of Youth was out. “People have been searching for millions of years and Saraneata doesn’t have that kind of time,” Louise Gross said, remembering the decision process. The Sorcerer’s Stone was next on the list but was found to be strictly fiction proffered by one J.K. Rowling.

At long last the Grosses turned to cloning. “Dolly the sheep didn’t look so bad,” Phill Gross commented. “We thought there was never a wrong time to clone Saraneata.”

            Saraneata 2, as the Grosses have loving dubbed the cloned form of Saraneata, was concocted in a Petri dish and then finally brought home fully grown to the Gross household this Wednesday evening. When Saraneata 1 met her double, sparks flared as the cats prepared for a fight to the death; a rivalry they quickly did away with when they realized all the could accomplish together. They also may have realized they were exactly evenly matched, taking much of the fun out of the fight. Now they prefer to tangle with the neighbor’s 85-pound German Shepherd, although they will soon need to find a more challenging enemy.

Girl Glues Own Elbow

Eva Gross, 23, of Cow Pastures, Virginia glued her own elbow at a 25-degree angle this Sunday evening, June 21, 2009. Born of a crafty family, Gross, along with her sisters and mom were creating hideaway books from old hard covers. This process involved the use of the heaviest, stickiest, most disgustingly nuclear glue to be found in the known universe. Mixed from dog slobber, gum found under the desks of middle schoolers, and the entrails of a pint of moldy slugs, this “YES Paste” was a bit much for Gross to deal with. With a brush-full of Yes Paste, Gross was momentarily distracted by the Gross dog pawing at their window, apparently trying to eat the glass and side of the house. It was a short moment that was long enough to affect the course of her life for the next six months. She turned quickly and inadvertently slathered the glue on her own elbow. Researchers later determined it was enough paste to glue angry, feral cats together. She ran to wash it off, but her arm was stuck in the running position before she even left her chair.

          Emergency Room doctors were stumped and unable to do any good against the sludge holding Gross’ elbow in an awkward chicken wing position. They diagnosed that the glue would “run its own course within four to six months. In the meantime,” they suggested, “ learn to be left armed.” However, Gross has taken a positive outlook on the situation. “No, it’s not a situation. I told you, it’s modern art!” Gross said, “I did it on purpose. It represents the harsh realities of our suburban lives and how the polar ice caps are going to swallow us up within the next thirty minutes!”

Lottery Winner Goes Broke Over Unpaid Parking Tickets

Friday, June 19 was at best an eventful day for Oliver Franks. Early in the morning he learned he had won the million-dollar jackpot in the Virginia lottery. Having played the numbers for the entirety of his adult life, Franks was thrilled that his diligence finally paid off. After immediately putting a Chevrolet Corvette on hold for himself, he called his family and close friends with the good news.

However, things soon took an interesting turn. While on the phone gloating to an ex-girlfriend, Franks began opening the rest of his mail and discovered a summons to appear in court for unpaid parking tickets. The notice was marked “urgent” and “pay or die.” Franks thought nothing of it, a millionaire now with cash to spare on his traffic bill. Wanting to get it taken care of quickly so he could proceed with his sports car purchase and irrational, celebratory impulse buying, he went to the local court building the very next morning.

One can only imagine his shock when the court’s cashier, looking shaken, refused to tell him aloud the balance he had accrued in unpaid parking tickets. She led him to a back room and wrote the number on a blank piece of paper that she burned to ashes and then ate once he had seen and comprehended its contents. Alarming contents that indicated Franks’ lottery winnings would not be nearly sufficient to cover his traffic debt. In response, Franks’ immediately went home and slept for a distressing 85 hours, because he knew he’d be “working at hyper-speed for the rest of his life and after.”

Ironically, all of this led to Franks finding his true life’s passion working for the Virginia Lottery pulling lottery balls from their dispensers to announce the new winning numbers.

Dog Allergic to Humans

Dewey, the Gross family dog, was discovered to be allergic to his human owners this week after a catastrophic “eating everything” attack. Taken to the local vet, Dewey was discovered to suffer from the prevalent but under-diagnosed human allergies that result in the “complete consumption and digestion of any and all household item within his reach.” According to the local vet, human allergies are as common a malady as canine dander allergies suffered by countless pet owners world-wide. “Simply backwards,” the vet noted, “and with eating everything symptoms instead of sneezing and itching.”

“When we found him eating his third box of tissues in two hours, we knew something was wrong,” Louise Gross said, “we always thought he was just a really bad dog.”

Luckily the cause of such misbehavior was caught in time. Dewey is currently on a cocktail combination of Claritin, Alavert, and Nasonex nasal spray that Dewey has been taught to administer to himself. And in a display of true love, each member of the Gross family has shaved their heads in solidarity with Dewey, so as not to shed and aggravate his condition. 

Tragic Holding-In-Sneeze Death

The community mourned the loss of young Rose Murphy today at a ceremony dedicated to the dearly departed victim of a sneeze gone awry. Murphy was killed instantly on Wednesday evening when she held in a violent sneeze that then backfired into her brain and imploded her small frame. From an early age children are told that their eyes will fly out if they sneeze with them open, when the reality of a mismanaged sneeze is that they would simply disappear.

A heartbreaking end to such a promising young life. Murphy was at the top of her graduating class and had the choice of top tier schools before the mucosal explosion.

Tissues abounded in the memorial service as the circumstances of this tragic passing made everyone more acutely aware of their own nasal habits.

“Rose was a star on the rise,” one of her teachers said, “if only she had better nasal awareness.”

Such “nasal awareness” is in short order these days. It’s not just shy girls holding in their sneezes so as not to draw attention to themselves anymore. 

“I don’t like to sneeze because it takes too much time and it’s annoying,” Tim Cordoba said coming out of the service, “I guess I’ll have to change that…”

           

    We'll all have to change that, Tim. We'll all have to change that. One thing is for certain. We should all take a long, hard look at our own nasal practices and be grateful for the time that we have left with our noses. 

Notorious Criminal Julia Gross Steals Left Over Chili and Whole Building

          Criminal mastermind, Julia Gross, was recently indicated in the case of the stolen chili. After an eventful getaway last Thursday, Gross, was thought to be somewhere in Western Canada, however, proved the experts unable to keep her breakneck pace when she showed up in the past of her sister Eva Gross’ life. Eva Gross had been minding her own business, “living my life, until Julia had to go back in time and ruin everything,” said Eva Gross who is finding it hard to let go of the recent tragic events.

            Julia Gross, through methods still under investigation, managed to send herself and three henchmen back through time and space. The event to which Julia traveled back in time took place on a Monday evening in early June, more specifically we cannot accurately guess. Arriving that Monday evening in the Gross household, Julia proceeded to gobble up all of the left-over chili to which Eva had been so look forward. Julia slipped away only moments before dinner. We talked to Eva in the present and she told us that she experienced a sudden “unfullness” in her stomach and discovered she was holding a note in Julia’s handwriting. The note simply said “Gotcha.”

            As distraught as Eva Gross proved to be, the people of Paris, France suffered an even more devastating blow at Julia’s hand. The authorities also suspect Julia is to blame for the more high profile theft of the Eiffel Tower from it’s illustrious place in Paris and in history. There was world wide panic for a full twenty four hours until the Eiffel Tower was located in rural Australia. “We thought it was a really big bird,” said a local whose house was half crushed by the tower.

            Authorities are hot in pursuit of Julia and her cronies. At a press conference, Police Chief  “The Chief” reported that “henchmen are turning up so we know we’re on the right trail.

            “But where in time is Julia Gross?” A frantic reporter asked, dizzy with fear and panic.

            The Chief responded, “Don’t worry. We’re on the case and we’re chasing her through history.”

            As a cataclysmic consequence of all this time travel, we all now have two left hands. In case you were wondering why that happened.

Profile of a Stingray-Shaped Squirt Gun

The purple plastic impulse buy bins at Kaboom Toy Store are no longer the permanent residence of a blue squirt-gun stingray. His usual home seems to leave this young, blue ocean dweller restless for bluer waters. In search of exotic and fantastic adventures, Ray has been discovered in such far reaching places as the clear impulse buy bin, the bouncy ball wagon, and most surprisingly of all, among the candy shelves.

Ray certainly didn’t inherit such adventurousness from his relatives. All fourteen members of his immediate family hung patiently and contentedly on their peg until they fell into some small, water-shooter-loving hands. Ray, however, sees beyond the pegs. “There’s a whole store out there to explore,” Ray said quickly when we caught up with him, “I only come home for a change of undies.” Which begs the question: What exactly do stingray underpants look like? Ray was no longer available for comment. He looked like he was heading toward the book section in the farthest reaches of the store.

All of the pictures from his travels can be viewed on Facebook.com. 

Starbucks and Thirty Minute Drive Too Much for One Girl

Sunday, June 14^th, Marlen Santos passed on at age 18, to a better place due to Starbucks and too much driving. The day started out promising for Santos with much of the morning spent sleeping and the afternoon dedicated to a baccalaureate service in honor of her upcoming graduation from Loudoun Valley High School.

The trouble began with the decision to drive (along with her sisters) all the way to the fabric store. Upon discovering the long sought after store closed, some sort of consolation was in order. However, in hindsight it would seem Starbucks was the most catastrophic of choices. All was frapaccinos and (shockingly) gluten free pastries until the girls recommenced their thirty-minute drive home. Due to a combination of circumstances none of the girls could do more than speculate on (“mysterious” and “odd” to use the girls’ partially lucid statements), all of the young ladies returned to their house feeling decidedly “crappy.”

This, unfortunately, is when young Marlen Santos passed on. She led a short but eventful life; one that that touched many lives for the better despite her brief stint in jail for proffering irresponsible lies and rumors alongside Eva Gross. So close to her own graduation one can only see such a passing as a terrible tragedy. “Yeah, it’s pretty sad,” Marlen came out of her bedroom to make an official public statement after the traumatic events had had time to sink in. “But I think we’ll all muddle through, you know.” One can only applaud her bravery in the face of such Starbucks and driving related woes. To Marlen.

Girl Dislocates Shoulder While Pulling Down Pants

        At exactly 1:51 this afternoon, local Purcellville resident Eva Gross was admitted to the Loudoun INOVA hospital for trauma sustained to her arm and shoulder while pulling down her own pants in the bathroom. “It’s not true,” Gross told us, groggy from the painkillers, “it was a bar fight. I mean, a motorcycle accident…just like Dark Angel.” Sources close to the injured girl, however, tell a different story. (These sources wish to remain anonymous, as they are all the members of Gross’ immediate family.) “Eva’s always had a little trouble with pants. Skirts she does just fine with, as long as they’re the easy pull up elastic kind,” said one source. Another tells the tale of the incident in question. “We knew something was wrong when she didn’t come out of the bathroom for lunch. We had guacamole. She loves guacamole.”

            But how exactly does one injure an arm and shoulder removing their own clothing? I guess we’ll have to leave that to mystery and imagination. And a team of forensic experts who have skillfully recreated the incident in question to the best of the abilities and knowledge. According to experts, the action of squatting and pulling at the same time can cause serious injuries only if the arm in question is at a sever right angle from the body. They believe the most logical explanation for this occurrence has to be that Gross’ hand was caught in her belt loop as the momentum of her arm continued to remove her pants.

            Quite a jumble to be sure. “Yeah, she’s a klutz,” said another anonymous source at Gross’ bedside. Gross immediately countered through her drugged induced haze, “ No I’m not. I’m Dark Angel!”

Hamilton Privy to Leisurely Streakers

The people on the Washington D.C. streets this afternoon were in for a shocking sight as around 30 bike riders toured the city in nothing but their skivvies. The World Naked Bike Ride, or WNBR, as they call themselves, was “protesting against oil dependency.” According to their website they were scheduled to begin around 3:00 p.m. with the goal of riding past the capitol building to politely suggest that there are other alternatives to oil. Like bike riding. Naked. Certainly uses a lot less oil. But probably painful.

          One bystander to the unique protest was Susannah Black, of Hamilton, Virginia. Sightseeing in D.C. for the day, she saw the WNBR riders from a distance and was so excited that she chased them for a good five blocks trying to catch up, shedding clothes as she went. She was so inspired upon seeing the nude protesters that after not being able to join them in D.C. she promptly returned to her hometown and initiated the first ever Hamilton Nudie Ice Cream Eating Saunter and Twilight Watching Fest. She and upwards of 3 of her friends ate ice cream and walked leisurely through downtown Hamilton and into Purcellville completely in the buff. They then sat on the lawn of a local friend’s home and watched Twilight projected on the outside wall of the house. “Oh, we weren’t protesting anything,” Black commented, “we just wanted to be naked.”

Don’t Be Duped By Young Liars

Two young girls, aged 18 and 23, were arrested today on charges of creating and spreading irresponsible lies.  The girls, Marlen Santos and Eva Gross of Purcellville, Virginia have hurt many with their falsehoods and shown a general lack of moral spine, particularly in regards to the wellbeing of their community.

            The first lie centered around a vacant retail space in their hometown. At one time a respectable supermarket, the then-empty building became the girls’ practice stage. They began to spread rumors that the property would be turned into a raging nightclub, fatally buoying the hopes of Purcellville night-lifers. “It’s hard to know what to do after such a betrayal,” said Erin Faroe, who had already planned on booking the supposed nightclub for her wedding, “I feel like I’ve lost a close friend.” For now such nightclub seeking youth will have to continue to make due with the 11 p.m. closing time of Giant Grocery Store, the center of Purcellville’s late night scene.

From a different perspective, the people of the Empty Storefront Guild were hurt by these lies as well. “It sickens me to know that there are people out there who don’t respect the privacy of a vacant lot anymore,” said local chapter president Erin Rist. Rist and her organization are largely responsible for the actions being filed against Santos and Gross in both this case and the case of an even more disgusting lie involving salt. (Rist is also an avid participant in the “Salt for Us, Salt for All” charity and salt aficionados society.)

            The last and most egregious of the lies the girls were able to spread while they were still at large was simple in nature, devastating in result. According to Santos and Gross, if you eat a handful of salt per day, you will miraculously lose weight, grow taller, and/or live forever. Fanciful though it would seem, the persuasive powers of these two girls combined was such that they had the town eating out of their hands, so to speak. It’s difficult and painful to record just how many they have hurt with this most heinous of lies and in deference to those effected we will simply say that the results were less than desirable.

            As for the motivation behind such malicious slander, we may never know. As they were being dragged from the courtroom, both girls were shouting their innocence and that they had been falsely accused. Luckily, now we know enough so as not to be duped any longer. One can only hope that such liars will be locked up for a long time to come.

College-Aged Girl Seeking Work Turns Instead to Life of Crime

Julia Gross, unable to find a job in these trying times, resorted to kidnapping and ransoming favorite childhood stuffed animals of her family, friends and acquaintances. The details of these thefts are hazy as her stealth is unparalleled outside of intelligence gathering agencies, but it is known for certain that upon breaking and entering the targeted bedrooms, she would bypass money stashes and coin jars instead going straight to the items closest to the heart.

            Daddy Elephant was the first to fall victim to Julia’s nefarious schemes. Young at 23, Elephant was snatched from his place on the bedside table of Eva Gross and taken against his will to Julia’s underground safe house. Elephant was only the first of many stuffed animals taken. Kiki the Cat, Pinkerton the Mouse; all overseen by Julia’s own stuffed animal henchman Bare Bear, who, after having lost most of his fur in a tragic “it was pulled out by Julia” incident, has a rather “chilling appearance,” an anonymous stuffed animal victim confided.

            Julia’s typical next move would then be to contact the parent of such innocent stuffed animals with a cryptic, nearly indecipherable note written partly in Chinese and partly in ominous newspaper clippings. The ransom notes would demand payment in the form of large unmarked bills to the tune of $11 billion in exchange for the life of a dearly loved stuffed friend. Once the funds were gathered, another note would require the money be placed into hideaway books made out of The Velveteen Rabbit to then be dropped in the Public Library Returned Items Drop Box.

            Julia would have been allowed to continue carrying out such evil deeds unhindered if not for the valiant efforts of the local police force. Undercover officers posing as fellow college students lured Julia in with tales of childhood memorabilia. However, through circumstances still being examined by the authorities, Julia and Bare Bear were able to escape custody and make away with a beloved police force stuffed dog.

            It would seem for now the trail has run cold. Though the authorities pledge unwavering dedication to the apprehension of this notorious criminal, no new leads have turned up and Julia seems to have vanished at least for the time being.

            However, we can feel grateful that all stuffed friends were returned to their parents before Julia was able to slip away. In the case of the police force dog, reparations are being made through the generosity of F.A.O. Swartz.