Thursday, June 11, 2009

College-Aged Girl Seeking Work Turns Instead to Life of Crime

Julia Gross, unable to find a job in these trying times, resorted to kidnapping and ransoming favorite childhood stuffed animals of her family, friends and acquaintances. The details of these thefts are hazy as her stealth is unparalleled outside of intelligence gathering agencies, but it is known for certain that upon breaking and entering the targeted bedrooms, she would bypass money stashes and coin jars instead going straight to the items closest to the heart.

            Daddy Elephant was the first to fall victim to Julia’s nefarious schemes. Young at 23, Elephant was snatched from his place on the bedside table of Eva Gross and taken against his will to Julia’s underground safe house. Elephant was only the first of many stuffed animals taken. Kiki the Cat, Pinkerton the Mouse; all overseen by Julia’s own stuffed animal henchman Bare Bear, who, after having lost most of his fur in a tragic “it was pulled out by Julia” incident, has a rather “chilling appearance,” an anonymous stuffed animal victim confided.

            Julia’s typical next move would then be to contact the parent of such innocent stuffed animals with a cryptic, nearly indecipherable note written partly in Chinese and partly in ominous newspaper clippings. The ransom notes would demand payment in the form of large unmarked bills to the tune of $11 billion in exchange for the life of a dearly loved stuffed friend. Once the funds were gathered, another note would require the money be placed into hideaway books made out of The Velveteen Rabbit to then be dropped in the Public Library Returned Items Drop Box.

            Julia would have been allowed to continue carrying out such evil deeds unhindered if not for the valiant efforts of the local police force. Undercover officers posing as fellow college students lured Julia in with tales of childhood memorabilia. However, through circumstances still being examined by the authorities, Julia and Bare Bear were able to escape custody and make away with a beloved police force stuffed dog.

            It would seem for now the trail has run cold. Though the authorities pledge unwavering dedication to the apprehension of this notorious criminal, no new leads have turned up and Julia seems to have vanished at least for the time being.

            However, we can feel grateful that all stuffed friends were returned to their parents before Julia was able to slip away. In the case of the police force dog, reparations are being made through the generosity of F.A.O. Swartz.

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