Litter Liner Informants Murdered in High Heels by Fleeing Photographer

Litter Liner Reader,

            On behalf of the staff here at the Litter Liner, I would like to take a short break from our investigative lying to announce that for the week of July 17 through 25, our editorial staff will be on a brief hiatus. Unlike our previous stoppage that lasted over three months and was in large part due to a lack of proper amounts of Sour Patch Kids, this official hiatus is of the utmost and fatal seriousness.

            Yesterday evening at precisely 7:15 two of the Litter Liner’s most crucial informants were found in an unfathomable state on the outside basement stairs in one of the tougher Leesburg neighborhoods. The informants, whose families have requested that their identities be withheld, were doing undercover work for the Litter Liner (more information of the circumstances we cannot divulge) and were posing as two friends going to a photo shoot.

            The photographer, one Erin Rist, is thought to have poisoned the girls with an overdose of gluten-laced water. It is now being speculated that our two informants were gluten-intolerant.

In a brutal twist of fatal irony, the wounds you see here are those created by Rist and the girls themselves from latex and crumpled food bits. Prior to the deaths, Rist had photographed the girls in shots of escalating danger. Ice picks, wheelbarrows, and not to mention stilettos told a contradictor story that more than baffled paramedics, called in by the local deliveryman, who were thoroughly confused when the injuries they attempted to bind felt “more like oatmeal than entrails,” according to the medical report.

By the time the Litter Liner investigators appeared on the scene of their co-worker’s grisly murder, Rist had long since vanished. Witness to the scene claim to have seen a headscarf-clad young femme fatal headed “in the general direction of the Midwest-possibly Iowa.” This was according to Benny Rist the family dog, who chose this extraordinary moment to prove that he was smarter than anyone thought.

However vague this lead may seem, the Litter Liner is dedicated to justice. We have vowed to exact revenge on Erin Rist for the cold-blooded killing of our beloved informants.

It is for this reason that, effective immediately, the Litter Liner will be taking a brief hiatus to track Rist and uncover the truth of this darkly mysterious incident.

Little is known of the motivation that drove Rist to such extremes or even if it was Rist whose gluten-filled glasses dealt two young girls their fatal blow.

Rest assured, however, we here at the Litter Liner will do our utmost to bring our readers the truth, and if the truth is too boring, we promise a fantastically outrageous lie to explain what we are now dubbing the Fake-Gore Murders.

Thank you for your time and your readership,

Signed Sincerely,

 

The Management 

Urgent: Special Announcement: The Month of August Ceases to Exist

     Please be advised that due to budget cutbacks brought about by the economic downturn, the month of August has filed for bankruptcy and will no longer be available to us in month form. With heavy vacation costs, pool expenses, and back to school shopping, August has long been in financial turmoil. However, August was forced to close down for good this week, leaving sunburned vacationers less than two weeks to prepare for the imminent arrival of September more than 40 days too soon. Please plan accordingly. August wishes to express its sincere condolences for any inconvenience and hopes that it can return to the calendar as an official month sometime in the near future.

Speed Pimples Cause Total Destruction of Small Town

The small town of Lincoln, Virginia has been battling the problem of cars speeding through their peaceful hamlet since the invention of the car. The ever-planning Traffic Calming Committee has attempted many potential solutions. However, up until now most of those solutions have largely involved angry dog walkers or irate mothers screaming, “slow down” with their children in a red pull wagon strategically positioned to prompt the appropriate amount of guilt from the idiot driver.

One angry (and hoarse) dog-walker, tired of yelling at idiot drivers recently came up with a new tactic.

“Why haven’t we tried speed bumps?” He asked irritably.

“Yeah, ok,” was the general consensus.

However, in a shipping misunderstanding, the Lincoln Traffic Calming Community instead received only a small portion of each speed bump. Officially known as “speed pimples” these small speed bumps are nothing more than tiny raised dot. Unlike traditional speed bumps these do not stretch across the entire road, or even more than a one small, well-placed spot; this seemingly to invite motorists to try at any lengths to dodge these new obstacles.

What has now occurred in the few short weeks since their installation is an even more hazardous traffic situation than would have been otherwise. With drivers swerving their vehicles like they are under the influence of numerous drugs and alcohols as well as at least one writer, reporting on the situation who was attempting to dodge AND write on a miniscule post-it note tenuously attached to the steering wheel, the streets of Lincoln have now become the most dangerous in the country.

Accidents pile up so frequently in front of the elementary school that young children can be seen playing in the skeletal remains of wrecked vehicles. Modern day highway thieves, hearing tell of these dangerous conditions, now prowl the roadside, ready to rob clean even the most innocent speed pimple accident victim.

           Researchers are now speculating that a few short hours from now the once quaint, historic town will be overrun by shady personalities and drug cartels drawn by the rapidly expanding seedy underbelly. From this unfortunate situation, it takes little imagination to picture the town of Lincoln spontaneously combusting into a haze of illicit vapor, due in large part to tiny innocent speed pimples. But mostly idiot drivers.

Gross Girl Sticks Eyelashes Shut

         As we know from the events of a few short weeks ago, Eva Gross does not do well when interacting with sticky substances. Gross previously managed to glue her own elbow into a chicken-wing position and has now outdone her previous blunder by gluing her own eyelashes together in a twisted mess of mascara and tears.

            “I never wear make-up, but I didn’t think it could go so horribly, horribly wrong,” Gross sobbed as her mother and sisters worked tirelessly to unstuck her lashes with everything from peanut butter to ground and mashed dog biscuits.

            “The trick is to put everything you can think of onto the stuck area,” Louise Gross managed to tell us while mixing wet cat food with honey and maple syrup, “It’s just like getting gum out of hair. Piece of cake.”

            “Mom, I still have gum in my hair from when I was seven,” Julia Gross said, “Maybe we should try make up remover.” However, her advice was drown out by the sounds of panicked, hyperventilating sobs and the food processor breaking down red and blue colored Crayola crayons.

            “The red ones work the best,” Marlen Santos declared as the three women dumped crayon bits into an already frothing pot on the stove.

            “And I added blue so it would turn a powerful purple,” Rose Murphy added with little time for further explanation.

            As she was saying this, the pot gurgled and burped an outrageous, near-explosion sized burp. All eyes turned to Louise Gross who was holding an empty bag of dry, powdered cement.

“That was supposed to happen,” she said somewhat shakily. She then proceeded to pour the steaming glop onto the counter and beat it mercilessly with a rolling pin. When the glop looked like it had settled down, the women spooned large tablespoons-full onto Eva’s eyes. Eva was still mumbling about how she would never again make the mistake of putting on make up while operating a riding lawn mower.

“There,” Louise said, “That should do it.”

With that, the women, looking exhausted by their efforts, went up to bed.

          “Guys?” Eva asked an empty room, “Can someone take me to the bathroom?”

Local Girl to be Turned Into Brightly Colored Stapler

Wednesday, July 1, Eva Gross made a drastic addendum to her already eccentric will. Along with requesting that her funeral take place in outer space and that everyone in attendance wear clothes made from the pelts of rare and endangered lima beans, the perfectly healthy 23-year-old has declared that in the event of her death, the ashes from her cremated body will be pressed and made into a brightly colored stapler.

When asked why a stapler, she replied that she was “always enamored with the metaphor of a stapler as a means of bringing entities together. Staplers have been very inspirational to me in the way I live my life. I’ve always thought of myself as the staples…” Unfortunately, she was unable to finish this statement as she was deftly socked in the mouth for over analyzing by a source who wished to remain anonymous but was available to say, “she had is freaking coming!”

In a similar vein, there have been many questions involving the prudence of Gross’s decision. Her sisters all went on record as saying something equivalent to “what a giant, crazy weirdo. I hope I never become so desperate for staples that I use Eva’s corpse.”

Her own mother commented, “I’m just worried that I would lose it…her…Stapler Eva.”

            It seems Eva herself may not have completely thought things through. When asked whether she thought a stapler would withstand the test of time and the ever-evolving digital age, she replied, “Crap! I never thought of that!”