Speed Pimples Cause Total Destruction of Small Town

The small town of Lincoln, Virginia has been battling the problem of cars speeding through their peaceful hamlet since the invention of the car. The ever-planning Traffic Calming Committee has attempted many potential solutions. However, up until now most of those solutions have largely involved angry dog walkers or irate mothers screaming, “slow down” with their children in a red pull wagon strategically positioned to prompt the appropriate amount of guilt from the idiot driver.

One angry (and hoarse) dog-walker, tired of yelling at idiot drivers recently came up with a new tactic.

“Why haven’t we tried speed bumps?” He asked irritably.

“Yeah, ok,” was the general consensus.

However, in a shipping misunderstanding, the Lincoln Traffic Calming Community instead received only a small portion of each speed bump. Officially known as “speed pimples” these small speed bumps are nothing more than tiny raised dot. Unlike traditional speed bumps these do not stretch across the entire road, or even more than a one small, well-placed spot; this seemingly to invite motorists to try at any lengths to dodge these new obstacles.

What has now occurred in the few short weeks since their installation is an even more hazardous traffic situation than would have been otherwise. With drivers swerving their vehicles like they are under the influence of numerous drugs and alcohols as well as at least one writer, reporting on the situation who was attempting to dodge AND write on a miniscule post-it note tenuously attached to the steering wheel, the streets of Lincoln have now become the most dangerous in the country.

Accidents pile up so frequently in front of the elementary school that young children can be seen playing in the skeletal remains of wrecked vehicles. Modern day highway thieves, hearing tell of these dangerous conditions, now prowl the roadside, ready to rob clean even the most innocent speed pimple accident victim.

           Researchers are now speculating that a few short hours from now the once quaint, historic town will be overrun by shady personalities and drug cartels drawn by the rapidly expanding seedy underbelly. From this unfortunate situation, it takes little imagination to picture the town of Lincoln spontaneously combusting into a haze of illicit vapor, due in large part to tiny innocent speed pimples. But mostly idiot drivers.