Local Girl to be Turned Into Brightly Colored Stapler

Wednesday, July 1, Eva Gross made a drastic addendum to her already eccentric will. Along with requesting that her funeral take place in outer space and that everyone in attendance wear clothes made from the pelts of rare and endangered lima beans, the perfectly healthy 23-year-old has declared that in the event of her death, the ashes from her cremated body will be pressed and made into a brightly colored stapler.

When asked why a stapler, she replied that she was “always enamored with the metaphor of a stapler as a means of bringing entities together. Staplers have been very inspirational to me in the way I live my life. I’ve always thought of myself as the staples…” Unfortunately, she was unable to finish this statement as she was deftly socked in the mouth for over analyzing by a source who wished to remain anonymous but was available to say, “she had is freaking coming!”

In a similar vein, there have been many questions involving the prudence of Gross’s decision. Her sisters all went on record as saying something equivalent to “what a giant, crazy weirdo. I hope I never become so desperate for staples that I use Eva’s corpse.”

Her own mother commented, “I’m just worried that I would lose it…her…Stapler Eva.”

            It seems Eva herself may not have completely thought things through. When asked whether she thought a stapler would withstand the test of time and the ever-evolving digital age, she replied, “Crap! I never thought of that!”